Managing Conflict in a Remote Work Environment

Why remote conflict is hard for our brains

Negative emotions are a normal reaction to conflict.  

Fight or Flight mode

• Amygdala – detects fear and prepares your body to respond.
• Releases hormones cortisol and adrenaline.

Our body acts the same to real and perceived threats.

Avoiding unnecessary remote conflict

No shared context (not sitting in the same building, experiencing the same weather, etc.), it’s easy to make assumptions.  

Reasons for Conflict

1. Missing information
2. Lack of nuance with digital communication
3. Lack of shared context

Fundamental Attribution Error
The inclination to observe another person’s behavior and assume it has more to do with their personality than it does with the situation.  

The importance of addressing remote conflict

Opportunities from Disagreements

1. Can lead to new solutions
2. Opportunities to learn and grow
3. Can strengthen relationships
4. Contribute to a more inclusive work environment

Accept that conflicts are normal and inevitable.

• Inclusive decision-making vs. efficient decision-making
• Focus on the client or customer vs. the company
• Innovation vs. leveraging existing capabilities
• Detailed focus vs. the big picture
• Purpose and mission vs. revenue
• Relying on text to communicate vs. having meetings 

Three steps to take when a remote conflict happens

Analyze Conflict

1. Understand the other person.  Let reactionary thoughts go.
2. Be clear about what you are disagreeing about.  Review what has happened so far with your coworker.
3. Determine your goal. 

Factors to consider in analyzing the conflict

Factors of Conflict

1. Seeker or avoider?
2. Language and culture differences
3. Technology

Decide when and where to address remote conflict

Where and When to Address Conflict

• Select a place where both of you are comfortable
• Choose a medium with the highest fidelity
• Try to transition out of chat environments
• Avoid attempting to resolve in group meetings
• Give time for things to cool down, but don’t delay too long
• Pick a time that works for both of you, and schedule a follow-up as needed.

Online Disinhibition Effect
The lack of restraint one feels when communicating online in comparison to communicating in person.

When to let it go

When to do nothing

• When you don’t have the energy or time to invest in preparing for and having a conversation.
• You suspect the other person is unwilling to have a constructive conversation
• You have little or no power, particularly in conflicts with people above you

Caveats to doing nothing

• Avoiders shouldn’t use this tactic as a default move
• Don’t use it if you think you can’t let it go

Explain that you need time to think through it.  Consider walking away if the conflict is causing extreme discomfort.

Starting the conversation off right

Be deliberate and succinct in how you’ll open the conversation.

1. Establish a common ground.
2. Label the type of conflict you are having.
3. Signal your interest in being collaborative.

Managing emotions during remote conflict

Stay Calm

1. Breathe
2. Take a walk
3. Anchor focus to a part of your body
4. Say a mantra
5. Acknowledge your feeling

Visualize your coworker’s words going over your shoulder, not hitting you in the chest.

When all else fails

1. Escalation – appeal to someone with the authority to resolve.  Try to avoid coming off as a complainer.
   • Provide you with advice
   • Give direct feedback to your unwilling coworker
   • Reprimand if behavior is out of bounds
2. Bring a Third Party – appeal to someone who isn’t directly involved in the conflict, but whom you both trust to weigh in.
3. Train mediator – assists and guides the parties toward their own resolution
4. Disengage
   • Minimize how much you rely on them
   • Request someone else handles their needs
   • Build a relationship with someone else on their team

Following up after a difficult remote conversation

Take a moment to consider what you’ve accomplished.  

Resolution Criteria

1. Should sit well with both of you
2. Should feel fair
3. Should maintain or improve the relationship

Move Forward

1. Document the agreement – does not need to be formal
2. Discuss how to handle a similar conflict
3. Loop back with everyone involved

Mending a relationship with a remote colleague

Think about how you might restore any trust that was broken.  

Mend the relationship

1. Stay engaged after the resolution – don’t avoid them.
2. Collaborate on a project.
3. Focus on what you both have in common.