Working with High-Conflict People as a Manager

Define high-conflict personality versus high conflict behavior

Diagnosed Disorders

• Borderline
• Narcissistic
• Antisocial
• Paranoid
• Histrionic

Avoid labeling others.  Labeling is a form of name calling.  Observe behavior instead of labeling.

Recognize high-conflict behaviors

Identify behaviors instead of labeling a person.  

ABCs of High Conflict Behavior

• Argumentative
• Blaming
• Critical
• Defensive
• Emotional 

Change your perspective when in high-conflict situations

Your perspective affects your response.  Let facts inform your response.

1. Stop believing everything you think.
2. Ask what else might be true.

Recognize the four types of irresponsible language

1. Blame – what role did you play?
2. Excuses – what choice did you have?
3. Preoccupation with the past – what do you want moving forward?
4. Disrespectfulness – what result are you seeking?  

Identify the high-conflict behavior that needs to change

What are they doing that you don’t want them to do? 

Three rules of asking for behavior change

• Rule 1: Don’t make it about yourself
• Rule 2: Focus on what’s in it for them
• Rule 3: Connect the change to the good of the business

How culture affects your ability to talk about high-conflict behavior

Listen and observe for at least 20 days to fully understand the company culture.  

• Look for patterns
• Observe leaders
• Analyze the environment

How to manage resistance when addressing high conflict

You may already know what they will say.  Are you willing to hear them anyway? Allow space for resistance.  Listen, acknowledge, and ask “would you be willing?”

How to courageously call out unwanted behaviors in the moment

People behave in a way that works for them.  

1. Reflect on your responsibility
2. Question the motive
3. Share your experience
4. Own up to your mistake
5. Ask for a change
6. Prepare consequences in case they’re needed

Listen to increase trust

Radical Listening
Ability to hear the other person in heated conversations

Do

• Lean in
• Calm yourself down
• Stay focused, curious, neutral
• Consider body language

Don’t

• Roll your eyes
• Interrupt
• Judge
• Appease

Boundaries and consequences in changing high-conflict behavior

Boundaries offer you some control.  Consequences make boundaries work.

Boundary
A dividing line that marks the limits of an area

Clarify unwanted behavior.  Set a boundary.  Share that boundary calmly.  Enforce with consequences.  Only set boundaries that you’re willing to enforce.