Mistakes to Avoid When Resolving Conflict

Making assumptions

Three Issues with Assumptions

• Centered around you
• Doesn’t foster listening
• Leads to misunderstanding

What to do to avoid assumptions

1. Paraphrase and check-in that you understood correctly.
2. Ask questions to get more information.
3. Ask yourself if you have made any assumptions.

Interrupting others

A few consequences of interrupting are you never get the full explanation.  So that means that you don’t really know what the conflict is actually about.  Interrupting also means you are more important than the speaker.  If you keep interrupting, you’ll never hear the issues or know what you have to resolve.

How to prevent interruptions

• Breathe
  • Breathe in for a count of four
  • Hold for four counts
  • Breathe out
• Listen past your desire to interrupt

Judging people and ideas

“When you judge others, you do not define them; you define yourself.” – Earl Nightingale – American author

You start to judge when someone says something that goes against your own beliefs.

Strategies to use

• Pay attention and catch yourself making judgements.
• Ask clarifying questions, not to pass judgment.

Tone policing

Criticizing someone’s tone; insisting they speak in a tone that is comfortable for you, but not natural for them.  Take culture into account when you consider what is an “appropriate” tone.  Identify why certain tones turn you off.

Two ways to determine if you are tone policing

• Consider what your body language is conveying.
• How you respond – “I don’t want that tone used with me.”

Getting diverted

What is diverting your attention during conflict?  

Two ways to stay on track

• Listen for content, not how it makes you feel.
• Focus on understanding what they are saying.

Name-calling

Name-calling can actually derail the process of conflict resolution.  It can make people feel small and make them think that they’re not valued.

Five subtle name-calling words and phrases

• “That’s silly.” / “That’s stupid.”
• “You’re working too slow.”
• “Not a smart idea.”
• “How dumb is that?”
• “That’s crazy.” / “You’re crazy.” / “It was crazy.”

Jumping to solutions

Two ways to keep from trying to fix the situation too soon

• Ask 5 questions before proposing a solution.
• Repeat back the most important thoughts and feelings of the speaker

Aggressive statements

Aggressive statements
Meant to force people to do something.

Assertive statements
State what you need in a respectful way

Giving in too much

If you’re striving for peace, you have to engage in a conversation in conflict.

Three strategies for standing up for yourself in conflict

• “I’d like to share my thoughts on this, and they are…”
• Determine ground rules.
• Ask a question you both can answer.

Shutting down ideas

Here are some tips for how to create safety around brainstorming and contributing new ideas.

• Set brainstorming ground rules
  • All ideas are acceptable
  • Let’s not interrupt each other when we’re giving ideas.
• Use encouraging language
  • “That’s great”
  • “Let’s keep it coming”
  • “Let’s look at it from another angle”
• Paraphrase to show listening
• If you are the leader, try to be the last one to provide your ideas to prevent influencing the group to think like you.

Leaving out culture

Consider culture norms, beliefs, and expectations during conflict.  

Addressing culture in conflict

• Recognize cultural differences can lead to misunderstanding.
• Share your own cultural perspective.
• Allow everyone to be themselves; foster acceptance.

“We’ve always done it this way“

“The only people who see the whole picture are the ones who step out of the frame.” – Salman Rushdie, British Indian author.

Keep an open mind and consider new solutions.  

Three ways to embrace chance

• Envision the possibilities
• List the pros and cons
• Take a breath, and try something new

Settling too soon

Many conflicts are not fixed because they simply get settled before they’re actually resolved.  Make sure the conflict has really been resolved before moving on.

• Is everyone walking away feeling like they’ve been heard?
• Did you test the solutions to make sure they are doable?
• Does everyone feel better than when they started talking about the conflict?