Communicating Through Disagreement

Preparing yourself to engage in the conversation

Expect and prepare for disagreements.  

Handling Disagreements

• Recognize the conflict
• Check your emotions
• Clarify your goal
• Use communication skills

Starting the conversation

Start a tough conversation by listening to their perspective.  

Statements of Intention and Invitation
“I’d really like to try to understand your point of view about…”
“Are you open to talking about this further?”

Set your intention to listen by just letting them talk.

Using active listening skills

Rapoport’s Rules
Restate the other person’s position clearly to receive confirmation of what they believe.

Focusing Your Listening

• Only listen, do not interrupt
• Concentrate on their words
• Paraphrase their concerns
• Empathize with them
• Comprehend their main point
• Your body language matters
• Remember what they said

Strategic listening for gaining understanding

• Issues & Facts – what are they concerned about
• Feelings – listen beneath the words to hear the feelings
• Values – beliefs that fuel your thoughts, actions and feelings
• Positions – waiting for statements indicating they are not being heard

Using questions to get clarity and more information

What do you believe?  What is your position? How did you arrive at that position?  Did you always believe that or is this a new position?  What is the source of this belief?  What if the source for your belief was unreliable or wrong?  Would you change your mind?  What would it take to change your mind?

You have to be willing to change your mind if the facts change.

Setting the stage for agreement

Replace “yes, but” with “yes, and”.  

And Stance

• Acknowledgement without concession
• Work “with” not “against”
• Both sides have valid points

Managing emotions effectively

1. Tune in to your emotions
2. Focus on their ideas and take a breath
3. Remain silent and listen
4. Take a break
5. Stop the conversation

Productive venting

• Stop talking, start listening
• Ask questions
• Don’t challenge
• Restate what you heard
• Ask clarifying questions
• Listen so more
• Acknowledge their feelings

The power of silence

Silence is a great tool for creating a safe space.  Suggest you both engage in a few minutes of silence.  Silence is an active tool that moves the conversation forward.  

What do they need?

“Always be willing to look at both sides of the argument.  Understanding the other side is the best way to strengthen your own.” – Jim Rohn (Entrepreneur)

It’s best to acknowledge what the person is saying and ask them, “what do you need from me?”, not assuming that they are only looking for your agreement or support.

Don’t ask the question too early.  Asking later will create space for deeper responses.  

Learning from hostage negotiators

• Minimal encouragers let them know you’re listening
• Mirroring allows you to engage and repeat what they’ve said
• Reflecting their feelings helps name what they’re going through

Excelling with hostage negotiation tips

• Allow them to save face.
• Resolve small issues first to create a climate of success

Using conflict resolution techniques

• Set ground rules for reaching a settlement.
• Ask about their thoughts.
• Check if your persuasion points are effective.
• Stay present and aware of your emotions
• Reframe their words as a question
• Assume best intentions

Sharpening your conflict resolution techniques

Communicating Through Disagreements

• Recognize you could be wrong
• Identify your objective
• Summarize their stance
• Listen to their opinion